2020 never ceases to amaze me.

Last Tuesday, we were graced with a shitshow of a debate. I sat there as C-SPAN streamed it Live. A beer in one hand, a blunt in the other (and yes, in hindsight, not the healthiest coping mechanism) but there I was. Ready for the circus to start. And boy, did the circus deliver. No fault to Joe Biden– 45 is a one-man freak show. Even with a Fox moderator, 45 couldn’t help shoving his feet further and further down his throat. Every time Joe spoke, 45 interrupted him. Even the moderator, Chris Wallace, was having a hard time getting a word in. And I mean, sure, we all saw this coming, but not like this. 45 was belligerent. He reminded me of a 2 year-old child throwing a tantrum (no offense to the 2 year-olds out there)–it was embarrassing. Chris Wallace did his best (arguably) to settle-down the kid-president, but the babe was inconsolable. Chris Wallace had to placate the child by saying, “you’re going to love this next question, Mr. President, it’s about [you]” and sure enough, the president shut up and listened long enough for the rest of us to breathe.

Joe gradually lost his cool throughout the debate. He eventually said to the president, “shut up, man” […] “you’re the worst president the united states has ever had” […] “you’re a clown”. And man did that feel good, you know? Who can blame Joe. We were all thinking it. It was just great to see someone finally say it to his face. There was some sort of satisfaction there I can’t describe in detail– but lemme tell yah, it was *chefs kiss*. Then, the subject came down to race. The highlight of the night coulda been 45 denouncing white supremacy. But, no. Instead. When 45 was asked to denounce white supremacy– specifically a militia group known as proud boys— Donald J. Trump went ahead and told them to “stand back, and stand by.” What? I could feel my blood freeze. Did he just say what I think he said? He one-ups himself next. “I am encouraging my supporters to go into the polls and watch very carefully, because that’s what has to happen — I am urging them to do it.”

It was. a shitshow. Nevermind the discussion on climate change, where 45 was saying we gotta rake the forest so that fires stop happening– I mean, you can’t make this stuff up, people. But then again, 45 seems able to. And as the night grated to a close, I found myself on the floor, starring at the popcorn ceiling. This is it. I thought, Civil War pt.2: Apocalypse Edition. On your mark. Get set. Go. I couldn’t sleep all night. Wednesday– I was riddled with anxiety. Dark clouds, getting darker. And the temperature’s RISING??? On Thursday, I told myself Be Strong. No matter what happens. Keep it together. But I ain’t gonna lie to you, I was scared. I was really freaking out. The news about the Proud Boy militia, out there– currently– gearing up for election night had me riddled with anxiety. What if… on election night… innocent people could— No. I had to keep my mind off the worst-case scenario, but honestly I couldn’t, or at least– I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

Then, like a sunbeam thru a storm, the headline news broke out October 1^st “The President of the United States has COVID-19.”

I began to dance. Shaking my ass. You woulda thought that fucker was dead, the way I rejoiced. No guilt; no shame. I sent no well-wishes. I politely asked the Universe for his lungs to collapse. Sorry, not sorry, bitch. I’d kill him if I had the chance– and this is coming from a guy who literally won’t hurt a fly. I straight-up hate the guy. Almost as much as Hitler. Anyways. You get the point. Imma dance on that bitches grave. So, when he got flown out to the hospital, I put on my shades and took a shot of tequila. Then when I heard the virus spread to his cult, I took another shot of tequila. Gotta celebrate the small things, you know? I drank the good spirits and felt a second-wind pass through me (more like wind #345million).

By now, Monday morning, the infection has spread to over 20+ White House officials. Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany, Chris Christie, the list keeps growing. We even got some rebulican senators who’ve contracted the virus after attending the SCOTUS hearing for new justice nominee Amy Barrett. That’s right, you heard me. The Senate had no choice but to post-pone any further hearings until October 19^th— that is unless COVID has anything else to say about it.

I know, I know. Sweet, sweet karma.