Girls and Gays, gather ’round and listen. If you’re a straight man who likes to be called ‘Daddy’ in bed, this conversation is for you, too. Now that I’ve gathered you all here. I have something to say that I know might be hard to hear, but… We got daddy issues, y’all. And ok-sure, you might be laughing like it’s not a real problem. It’s just my kink. And okay, I agree with you. But kinks shouldn’t stunt our psychological growth– which is why we gotta talk about this and take a serious look at who, and why, we call ‘Daddy’.

What is a ‘Daddy’, exactly? hahah– Buckle-up, kiddo. I just fished this gem outta the urban dictionary…

A ‘Daddy’ is a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him. A ‘Daddy’ will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. A ‘Daddy’ is the guy who kisses your forehead, and who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. A ‘Daddy’ doesn’t have to borrow your car because he already has his own, and he lives on his own, and can pay for the bill at dinner.

Sounds like a lot to ask out of a human male. Also, this definition is severely outdated. It’s 2020, y’all. Didn’t you hear? A ‘Daddy’ can be woman, too. Oh, sure they can! Haven’t you ever seen a boss-ass bitch? Financially independent, self-possessed, and in charge of their own destiny? THAT is a Daddy. Boiled down to it’s core. Don’t matter if they’re a male or a lady, everybody stans a daddy-queen, queen-daddy– whatever. Gender ain’t much of a thing anymore, either (we’ll discuss that later).

It’s interesting how quickly Millennials and Gen-Z have been able to capitalize on Daddy merch, amiright? Shirts and hats with that single, obsequious word: ‘Daddy’. Flying off the shelves. No other generation has embraced their psychological issues quite as like ours. It stems from an evolution of three generations that have suffered a collective phenomenon known as Divorce. That’s right. Along with Gen-X, our childhood single-handedly witnessed the collapse of the secular, nuclear family structure in America. Millions of children were raised by single-parents. Only one-sixth of all ’em were able to see their fathers as much as once a week. Close to half of ’em didn’t even get to see their fathers at all. Statistics have shown that nearly ten years after divorce, fathers are still absent from two-thirds of these– now– young adult’s lives.

Okay, so we got daddy issues. So what? So, we’re emotionally stunting ourselves, that’s what. And not only that, but we’re being exploited for it, too. If we don’t start questioning our desires to find ‘Daddy’, then we may never realize what we’re truly looking for– not just in our partners, but within ourselves, as well. Our wounded inner-child is screaming for their daddy, and no– no lover will ever be able to fill that hole.. I mean Role. It would seem that we’ve come to an age in humanity that demands every father-wounded figure to become their own Daddy. That’s right. Who’s your Daddy??– YOU ARE! And for those of you who worry about Toxic Masculinity, either within yourself or in the type you’re attracted to, don’t sweat it. These unfortunate side-effects of a fatherless world will slowly fade away as we focus on re-balancing the natural order of masculine and feminine forces within ourselves. I argue, it is our civic duty to heal this collective wound instead of indulging in it. That would be step #1.

Okay, fine. But what about guys who call their girlfriends ‘Mommy’? Or people who use Papi instead of Daddy, are those the same thing? Do Lesbians call each other Daddy, too? Oh! And where’s ‘big dick energy’ fit into all this?

We are gonna discuss all that and more– next week! Stay tuned. Just remember…